It is most often the betrayed spouse who will look for inspirational reading when the problem of infidelity strikes their marriage. It is rare that a wayward spouse will look for answers when the affair is discovered. It is indeed uncommon but not an impossible occurrence.
Fixing what is broken
When an affair is exposed, it is usually the wayward spouse who gets confused and does not know what to do. Some may choose to keep the affair going, and will move toward the notion of “I want to leave my spouse and be with my boyfriend/girlfriend”. However, there are times when the wayward spouse gets hit with reality and will want to fix what is broken. If you are this spouse, then congratulations for waking up and getting “un-fogged”.
Now, you may be contemplating to rescue a marriage and make up for the damage you have caused. It will not be easy. It will be very difficult–emphasis on VERY– because you have hurt your spouse real bad. This is not a little issue to deal with. The great thing about this though is that you are willing to save your marriage. If this is the case, you need to express this to your spouse before he or she can decide what to do as well.
After telling your spouse that you want to rescue a marriage that your actions have put in jeopardy, here are the other things that you need to say or do:
1. You have to tell your spouse how sorry you are. Be ready for rejection though,because most betrayed spouses will not readily accept your “apology” or will not talk to you. This is normal, that at first, your spouse will be very angry with you, but at this very moment, saying how sorry you are and asking for forgiveness is the right move. If your spouse asks for space or time, respect that. However, you need to tell your spouse as explicitly as you can that you want to talk to him or her about saving your marriage.
2. You need to exhaust all your efforts and leave the other person. There is no need to meet anymore. No need to talk anymore. You have to end the affair and everything about it. If you want to win your spouse back, you need to end the adulterous relationship, period.
3. Do not smother your spouse. If your husband or wife asks for a little time away from you, let your spouse have that alone time. Your spouse will say that he or she does not want to talk to you, right? However, from the perspective of a betrayed spouse, he or she will want to hear from you nevertheless. You may or may not elicit the response you want at that time, but your spouse will want to know what is up with you and you have to be completely honest about it.
4. Let your spouse know your whereabouts. The best thing to do with this “time away” is to leave a message or a note saying where you are and where you will be. You also have to make it clear that you have already severed any ties with the other person. Then there’s the unending apologies. Do this once a day until your spouse is ready to face you.
5. Do not send gifts. You will be wasting money. Your flowers or chocolates will be well-received by the trash can. For now, let your spouse call the shots, and wait until your spouse decides to talk to you about the problem. You are the one at fault, after all. You need to show your best side. No faking, and most importantly, no (more) lying.
6. Do bring presents when it’s time to talk. If your spouse informs you that he or she wants to talk, that would be the time to bring your gift. A simple card, rose or chocolate is fine. Just don’t expect anything. Just let your spouse take the lead since it was his or her idea to talk in the first place.
7. The talk will probably touch on reconciliation or divorce. If it is the former, listen to your spouse and you have to be genuine in accepting all the ultimatums he or she will impose. If your spouse wants a divorce but did not bring papers yet, you still have a chance. (This, however, is for another article.)
The point here really is to gain back your spouse’s trust. How will you do that? You have to end the affair. You have to be accountable for your time. You have to be honest all the time. You need to make an effort to be there for your spouse. You need to be patient when he or she will be angry at you. Lastly, to make yourself a better person, forgive yourself too and strive to do what is right.