If your relationship currently is sub-optimal and you are wondering what to do, consider other relationships you may have had in the past. Have they followed similar patterns? It could be that there is something you do (or not do) that is causing your relationships to go this way. It may not be that you’re simply unlucky or bad at choosing the right partner. It may be deeper than that.
People in healthy, supportive relationships have one thing in common. Do you have it? Read on to find out.
The single most important quality for any loving relationship
Sometimes, relationships hit a plateau or a state of non-improvement nor decay. It’s just where it’s currently at. There’s nothing to be afraid of when you’re already at this point in your relationship.
Some people like to call it a comfort zone of sorts. It’s a stage where people in a relationship are now used to being together to the point that they’ve already adapted each other’s habits, traits, and so on.
This can eventually lead to a state of boredom for some people and they are forced to look for other ways to create excitement in their relationship. Sadly, cheating is one of them.
Self-love is the key!
When I was growing up, I believed that love came from the ability to feel a particular set of emotions towards others and that love is something you give to other people.
What I missed out on was the fact that I could also give that love to myself. Self-love was a concept that was foreign to me at that time. Had I known then that it was going to be the single most important thing for any loving relationship, I’d have fostered it at an early age.
Self-love is the act of loving yourself, despite your own imperfections and coming to terms with them. Through self-love you are able to remove feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and inadequacy because you are content with who you are as a person.
Self-love removes any feeling of doubt and fear because you are confident of who you are and what you can offer to your partner. Self-love borders on acceptance and contentment
But think hard about it.
If you cannot love yourself well enough, how can you even begin to love someone else?
The success of any relationship thrives on a person’s focus on making the other person happy. This goes beyond the giving of gifts or any material item for temporary satisfaction. When I looked at my parents, I realized that they were compromising, self-sacrificing, and devoted to making each other happy.
No matter how much the other person loves you, if you don’t care and love yourself, you will never be happy. Your unhappiness will become a factor in your failing relationship and your partner will also feel unhappy.
Because of your feelings of inadequacy, you will try to cope up by looking for another partner to “fill in the gap”, so to speak. Your current partner, who you feel is inadequate, becomes a liability and excuse to begin looking for someone else.
Thus begins a cycle of cheating. Take note: CYCLE. OF. CHEATING.
But if I cheat, doesn’t that mean I have more love to give?
I really wouldn’t know how to even start explaining that kind of logic. Cheating begins when you feel a sense of inadequacy or incompleteness in your relationship. You, as a person, project your own insecurities towards your partner in the hopes of justifying getting out of the relationship.
You, as a person, try to make sense of your own weakness by thinking that it’s all your partner’s fault.
Projection is a very faulty defense mechanism because it allows you to transfer any sense of impending anxiety towards another person. You are redirecting the cause or source of your own anxiety to another. In a relationship, your tendency to cheat is a reflection of your own projective tendencies.
What do I mean?
Supposing that you and your spouse were childhood sweethearts and your love story was just perfect. There came a time in your marriage when everything just reached a stalemate. There was nothing going on and there was nothing exciting happening.
You suddenly grow anxious because there’s something wrong with the relationship and this is where your brain starts to think of different things to keep you both anxious and calm at the same time.
So what happens? You suddenly feel that your partner is no longer feeling content or satisfied, even though he or she is. You are now making excuses and blaming them for what is happening to the relationship, without knowing that you yourself have contributed to the stalemate.
As a result, you try to look for a way to either end the relationship or look for other means of excitement.
Can self-love prevent me from cheating?
It can. You see, when you love yourself, you are already comfortable with who you are. You will no longer feel anxious every time your partner looks at someone else or admires the handsomeness or beauty of another person. There’s no longer this anxiety that you’re being compared to another person by your spouse.
It is only through self-love where you can actually contribute to your partner’s growth and development as a person. When he or she sees that you are comfortable with who you are, there’s a need for him or her to emulate that. He or she will slowly try to love themselves as much as you try to love them. They will try to love you as much as you try to love yourself.
Self-love perpetuates self-love and it can only be given when one has enough of it. When self-love is harnessed, the act of loving a person and accepting them for who they are becomes a lot easier.